Life According to Sarah

One other thing on my mind: You were my safe place and now I’m unsure what I am to you and I’m not sure how to talk to you. I miss having a safe place. I miss feeling like I’m not alone in the world.

My Thoughts

So I haven’t posted anything on this blog in a while. I don’t have a great excuse. School got busy, it got emotionally draining, take your pick. But lately I feel a little constrained in what I can post on my main blog so I decided the time has come to bring this blog back and post some stuff about what’s been going on.

For anyone who knows me in the real world, you’ll know that I’ve hit a real bump in my relationship with Jake. It’s been almost three years and we’ve never had a really massive fight so I guess it was bound to happen.  Essentially what has happened is there’s another girl he met at school that has made all my jealousy and insecurity rise to the surface and we’ve been fighting about it.  Neither of us has handled it very well and I’m truly scared that this isn’t something we’ll get over.

I have very little experience with relationships in real life. My parents have been divorced my entire life and I literally cannot remember any time when they were together. I’ve never had a truly serious boyfriend before Jake either and my relationship with my mother is so dysfunctional I don’t think it’s a good model for anything. So I don’t really know what to expect out of relationships or how to act in them. One thing was always clear to me though: that the people involved in the relationship are closer to each other than to anyone else. I always imagined trusting each other with our deepest darkest secrets and relying on each other.  When I met Jake, I felt like I found someone I could talk about anything with and tell anything to.  I have never shared so much about myself with someone as quickly or as deeply as I have with him.  I feel as though I laid myself out bare for him to see and exposed all the deep and dark parts of my soul.  Part of why I felt we had such a strong relationship was because I thought he shared with me too.

Granted, he has never been the best “sharer” but that’s been true for all people so I was honored that he shared as much with me as he did. Well recently I learned that some of these things that he shared were not in fact true. This really really hurts me because I was so excited to have a real relationship where I showed someone who I truly am and would be accepted for that. I thought I saw who he truly was and we were basing our relationship off of that. Instead, it seems as though the honesty and vulnerability was rather one sided. I don’t want to tell him just how much this hurts me because I know he feels guilty and also partially because now I feel like I need to close up and go back in my shell and not show him everything that’s going on with me. I do trust him, but I’m having a hard time convincing myself that I should share with someone who doesn’t share with me and when he does, I may or may not be getting the truth.

Going back to the girl issue (I promise they’re related), Jake enrolled in a class this semester that focuses on helping skills.  It’s essentially a sort of mock counseling class from what I can tell but I can’t be sure. Either way, he was assigned a “helping buddy” to practice techniques in class with.

Wow just typing this is making my heart beat super fast and I feel kind of sick. Well I need to get this out I think so here goes.

His helping buddy was a girl I won’t name because I don’t think that’s my place. But they talked about things using the techniques from class and I was first aware of this on my birthday. As always, I got a little scared because historically men leave my life because of other women and they don’t come back. I have known nothing else and as much as I trust Jake, it’s hard to ignore years of what I know.  I decided not to make an issue of this, however, because I do trust Jake and I didn’t want to create any issues. After my birthday, things escalated pretty quickly as far as I could tell.  Suddenly he was mentioning her in every conversation and talking to her about his personal issues a lot and relying on her to help him with some mental breakdowns that happened. It makes me so sad to think that she can hug him and hold him and touch him and tell him things will be ok because that’s always been what I do. But I’m not there and she is. She’s there for him whenever he needs her and I’m not. They have a relationship that I don’t entirely understand (although I’m trying to) and it hurts me deep deep in my soul.  I always thought if Jake felt he could share things, he would share them with me because I thought that’s what our relationship was built off of. But it seems like their relationship is the two sided sharing that I thought we started off with. She has a huge part of the relationship with Jake that I wanted. I’m trying to understand that that’s ok but I’m really really struggling with that. I don’t know where I fit in his life. Am I just a warm body to have sex with and cuddle? Am I a cuddler? Am I the one who buys him expensive presents? I don’t know who I am in his life. I thought I knew, and I know exactly what he is in my life, but I have no idea what I am to him. He’s tried to explain, but I just don’t understand. Maybe it’s because I’m stupid at relationships but I just don’t understand. And it hurts me. So much more than he or anyone else realizes.

One thing that hasn’t helped this entire situation is that I feel he always jumps to her defense whenever this comes up. Previously, every time that I brought up anything related to this girl, he would get angry and/or frustrated with me. The worst night was the Saturday before my physics exam when we had what I think was a miscommunication and I got so upset I scratched my legs up in an attempt to make the pain stop. In the past, whenever Jake and I have dealt with self harm he’s been disappointed in me but supportive and kind. This time he raised his voice at me and told me that he feels trapped as to how he can act in our relationship.  I also tried to talk about my dad and how that affects how I see the world, but rather than talk about it like we usually do, he remained frustrated and (from my perspective) completely disregarded what took a lot of guts for me to say. I realize he has his own issues going on right now that are for more important (no sarcasm there, they really are), but it seems like he always has time to be supportive of her and help her but when my issues start to rear up, I feel like suddenly I’m not allowed to talk about them or I’m not welcome to or something. I no longer feel comfortable talking about certain things with him, particularly my dad. I admitted lots of details about abuse I remember and I’ve talked about my fears and insecurities and I’ve never told anyone about those. It took a lot to share them with him, and I don’t feel comfortable talking about them anymore. Which is really sad because he was who I talked to about those things.

I realize I depend on Jake for too much. I do. But I also know that this hurts so much more than I ever thought it could. I just want to be ok again. If anyone knows how to put a bandaid on this and make everything better, I’d love to know what it is. I miss how our relationship used to be. Although I guess it was kind of a facade because Jake changed a lot of things about himself that I didn’t know about and I didn’t realize that a lot of things were happening in the background. I don’t want to leave this relationship because even though right now I’m in pain, he still makes me happier than anyone else and I don’t want to lose that. But I need to learn how to be ok with the fact that he has the kind of relationship I thought we had with another girl and that he hasn’t always been honest with me even though I asked for complete honesty from the beginning. This isn’t to say I’m not at fault too-I absolutely am. I’m way too insecure and jealous and I’m really really working on it. But there are other issues at play here too and I don’t know how to help them. I’m afraid if I talk to him about them he’ll get angry and we’ll fight again and I really don’t want that. It terrifies me to fight with people because in the past, fighting has ended in intense physical and/or emotional pain and it’s not something I like to engage in.

At the end of the day, I just really hope that once I see him again and get to hug and kiss him things will be clearer and we’ll be able to figure things out together. Nothing would make me happier right now.

On another note, it’s really nice when people actually talk to you and keep you updated on what’s going on in their lives.  Yeah that’s always nice.

Sometimes I feel really left behind, almost like something is happening that I don’t know about.  I miss something-a feeling.  I can’t articulate exactly it is, but I miss it.  I don’t really know what I mean, so I won’t write much else, but all I know is that something is missing and I am deeply suspicious of something.  I just hope it’s nothing.

I feel like I’m in kind of a good place.  I’m figuring things out, and I’m becoming more independent.  I also feel like I’ve reached a good point in my relationship with Jake.  We’re comfortable with each other but we don’t take each other for granted.  There’s always things that will cause issues and that we could work on, but overall I’m extremely satisfied and happy with how things are.  I haven’t updated this blog in a while because I haven’t had a lot to say.  Now all I want to say is that I’m happy. I’m content with everything I’ve accomplished and I’m hopeful about the future.

Being alone is not a pleasant thing.  It gives me time to think.  There are so many things with my life that I’m happy with and so many things that I’m not happy with.  I don’t know how to reconcile the two.  I have amazing friends (few though they may be) and a pretty incredible boyfriend, but something just feels wrong.  I feel unfulfilled, like something is missing.  Maybe it’s that I really feel like the balance has turned in my relationship.  I feel like I’m the one putting in the most effort and care and I don’t know how to feel about that.  Jake actually said something the other night that really troubled me.  I don’t know if he meant it the way I took it, but I don’t want to bring it up because I’m afraid that maybe he did mean it the way I took it.  We were watching the new Scooby Doo series because it cheers me up and there was a scene where Velma asks Shaggy to choose between Scooby and her.  I sided with Velma on this issue because Shaggy was seriously neglecting her to favor Scooby.  I realize that Shaggy and Scooby have a preexisting relationship that needs to be respected, but so does the relationship between Shaggy and Velma.  Jake took it the opposite way and said “if I had to choose, I’d choose my friends.”  I don’t know how hypothetical that was but it really stung.  He’s said things like that before too.  I’d never ask him to completely choose either me or his friends but just knowing that he wouldn’t even think about it and would just choose them hurts.  I love him very much and I’ve put a lot of work into this relationship (not to mention a lot of money for plane fare and dinners and stuff).  It makes me feel sick to think that maybe he doesn’t feel it the same way I do.  At some point this is a conversation I need to have with him, but I don’t think I’m ready to hear what will be said.  I don’t believe in casual relationships and I don’t believe in making people important when you’re not important to them.  I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I do know that it’s something that’s troubling me.  It’s been almost 2 years and he wouldn’t have a problem choosing his friends over me?  I’m not saying I should be ranked higher than his friends nor would I ever put him in that position, but I’d like to think that he’d at least have some internal struggle.  I don’t know.  I should just go to sleep.  Happy anniversary Jake Jake.  I wish it had been a little different but I’m glad you had fun. And happy birthday to my best friend.

Some nights it’s harder than others to fall asleep. I really hate what my mind does to me sometimes. But I mean honestly, would the world be any different without me? At least in a bad way? If I ever really did slice open my wrists again and take it just a little bit further, I really do think that it wouldn’t be an entirely bad thing. I mean clearly people would be affected initially, but over time I think they’d get over it. I don’t really have any friends. I have maybe 3 total. I’ve kind of given up on that. I’ve kind of given up about most things in my life actually. I’m just not really functional. I have hopes and I have dreams. Just because I’m sick doesn’t mean I don’t know that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I know I shouldn’t want to simply not exist. I know I should be excited for things that life has to offer. I know these things, but I simply can’t feel them. I make myself excited and I keep going by planning random events just so I have a milestone of something to hold on to. Something I can remind myself of when things get bad. What I hate most about this though is how it affects the people around me. It frustrates them, it makes them feel inadequate or like they’re less of a friend for not always being able to help. I don’t want to make anyone feel like that. I want to be able to make their lives better. And I simply don’t. So again, I have to wonder if the world would really be any worse off without me? I haven’t done anything earth shattering. I likely won’t do anything earth shattering. And I’m honestly not sure if I’m capable of truly getting better long term. If there were some way I could simply stop existing in a way that my three friends wouldn’t have to find me or hear about me or anything like that I’d definitely do it. That way they don’t have to experience that initial pain and they can just skip right to the stage where they’ve forgotten about me and their lives continue without any of the drama and issues that I cause. I’m not good for them and I’m not good for me. I don’t know any way to fix it. So I guess I’ll just lie in bed and think about how lovely it would be if the next morning came and I simply weren’t here.

Rant on Religion and Gay Marriage

Ok over the past few days I’ve heard a lot about DOMA and I’ve seen lots of different opinions from lots of different people.  I want to start off by saying that I understand that there are always multiple opinions and none are necessarily more “correct” than others.  It’s how people act on these opinions that I have a problem with, specifically when people try to force their opinions on others.  I count myself as a religious person.  I embrace Jesus and God and a higher power that is responsible for some mysteries of life and humanity that we are incapable of understanding completely.  I see religion as something beautiful and peaceful that unites people across cultures.  No matter what you choose to call God or how you choose to worship Him, I believe we’re all reaching out to the same higher power.  Since I consider myself a Christian, I refer to Jesus and God, but I want to be clear that I think all religions reach out to the same entity, simply by a different name.

I was raised to understand that religion unites people in a deep and meaningful way, not simply because of religious beliefs, but because of the basic love and respect that we should have for all members of humanity whether they look like us, act like us, sound like us, or anything else.  After attending years of Sunday school and attending religious school, I feel that I’ve read enough of the Bible to be able to offer an educated opinion on it.  I’m not a scholar or anything, but I do have some idea of what I’m talking about.  The Jewish society that Jesus came into was hierarchical and strongly favored the wealthy, conventional citizens.  Members of society who were deemed “unworthy” were pushed to the side of society and ignored so that top religious officials could continue their reigns of power and control the people.  Jesus revolutionized this.  His followers were people that the rest of society would ignore.  Just look at Mary Magdalene.  She was a woman of disrepute and yet she was the one who found Jesus after the resurrection, arguably becoming one of the pivotal figures in Christianity.  Then look at the miracles that Jesus performed.  He didn’t fix things for people who were already highly ranked in society.  He made lunch for fisherboys, healed lepers, and even resurrected commoners from the dead.  And that wedding in which he turned water into wine?  That wasn’t for the elite of society.  It was a small village gathering for common people.  In the end, it was the elite religious officials set in their ways who crucified him because he threatened their way of life.  He encouraged people to embrace everyone from all walks of life and treat them with love and respect.

I have to believe that if Jesus were here today, he’d absolutely embrace and respect all members of humanity, including the gay people who are fighting so hard for their basic rights.  I realize that the Bible does not explicitly state that he would, but it must be taken in context, as is everything.  It’s not right to simply pick and choose what parts of the Bible to accept and which parts to reject.  Did you know there are two creation stories in the Bible?  They actually have conflicting accounts of how creation happened.  In my Catholic high school, we were taught that it’s ok that they conflict because one was simply an oral tradition that was passed down and the other was a similar story from a different time/area.  The basic principles remain the same, even if the story changes a little.  If we don’ take these stories literally (which in my opinion is impossible since they directly conflict), then how can we interpret other “select” parts as literal?  I know a lot of people quote Leviticus and say that there are many other rules that we conveniently ignore.  This is true, but I don’t think that’s the most important argument. The most important argument is that the Bible is not a direct account from God Himself.  It’s a text that has been interpreted by many many people, including people who originally wrote down the stories, people who passed them on orally, people who translated them, and countless others.  In all of that interpretation, I believe that the basic principles remained the same, but the trappings changed.  This doesn’t compromise the message, but it does mean that you can’t take everything verbatim.  Even the Catholic Church has decided that it misinterpreted some parts and changed the mass accordingly.  If they could have misinterpreted those parts, then why couldn’t they have misinterpreted other parts?  Why couldn’t they have been wrong to take them literally?  If you’re going to quote the Bible and throw it at people then be sure you actually follow the entire thing first.  As Jesus said, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” and “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”.  Jesus taught that all hatred is wrong, and you can’t simply ignore that and embrace other parts of the Bible to justify your hatred.  Jesus embraced love, and I think he would absolutely support how people choose to express that love.  Love is an essential part of the human experience, and it shouldn’t be qualified, limited, or criticized.

Furthermore, on a cultural note, society is always changing.  Change is new and frightening, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad.  So many things have changed about society that are for the better.  There was a time that I couldn’t have been best friends with my friend Kiah in elementary school because she was black and I was white.  I would have missed out on some incredible experiences.  May I just remind you that at one point the Bible was used to justify this discrimination as well?  If change is scary, learn about it.  Educate yourself.  Really think about the people that you’re affecting before you take action.  If you truly call yourself a Christian, remember that the most important part of the religion is treating everyone with love and respect, embracing everyone as your brother or sister and treating them accordingly.  Forgiveness and love is what Christianity is about, not bigotism and hatred.  I think it’s awful and sad that we have lost sight of this, and it’s driving the religion to extinction.  It’s almost the mark of a pariah to be a Christian because of the extremist views that have tainted what it is supposed to really be.  People need to know that Christianity is an institution meant to spread love and peace and forgiveness rather than the ignorance and hatred it’s been spewing out lately.

I guess my main point is, what would Jesus really think of us if he came back today?  What would he see?  Would he really be proud of what his new movement has become?  As a proud Christian, I fully support gay marriage and I will do everything I can to push social change that continues Jesus’ work and message.