On another note, it’s really nice when people actually talk to you and keep you updated on what’s going on in their lives. Yeah that’s always nice.
Sometimes I feel really left behind, almost like something is happening that I don’t know about. I miss something-a feeling. I can’t articulate exactly it is, but I miss it. I don’t really know what I mean, so I won’t write much else, but all I know is that something is missing and I am deeply suspicious of something. I just hope it’s nothing.
I feel like I’m in kind of a good place. I’m figuring things out, and I’m becoming more independent. I also feel like I’ve reached a good point in my relationship with Jake. We’re comfortable with each other but we don’t take each other for granted. There’s always things that will cause issues and that we could work on, but overall I’m extremely satisfied and happy with how things are. I haven’t updated this blog in a while because I haven’t had a lot to say. Now all I want to say is that I’m happy. I’m content with everything I’ve accomplished and I’m hopeful about the future.
Being alone is not a pleasant thing. It gives me time to think. There are so many things with my life that I’m happy with and so many things that I’m not happy with. I don’t know how to reconcile the two. I have amazing friends (few though they may be) and a pretty incredible boyfriend, but something just feels wrong. I feel unfulfilled, like something is missing. Maybe it’s that I really feel like the balance has turned in my relationship. I feel like I’m the one putting in the most effort and care and I don’t know how to feel about that. Jake actually said something the other night that really troubled me. I don’t know if he meant it the way I took it, but I don’t want to bring it up because I’m afraid that maybe he did mean it the way I took it. We were watching the new Scooby Doo series because it cheers me up and there was a scene where Velma asks Shaggy to choose between Scooby and her. I sided with Velma on this issue because Shaggy was seriously neglecting her to favor Scooby. I realize that Shaggy and Scooby have a preexisting relationship that needs to be respected, but so does the relationship between Shaggy and Velma. Jake took it the opposite way and said “if I had to choose, I’d choose my friends.” I don’t know how hypothetical that was but it really stung. He’s said things like that before too. I’d never ask him to completely choose either me or his friends but just knowing that he wouldn’t even think about it and would just choose them hurts. I love him very much and I’ve put a lot of work into this relationship (not to mention a lot of money for plane fare and dinners and stuff). It makes me feel sick to think that maybe he doesn’t feel it the same way I do. At some point this is a conversation I need to have with him, but I don’t think I’m ready to hear what will be said. I don’t believe in casual relationships and I don’t believe in making people important when you’re not important to them. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I do know that it’s something that’s troubling me. It’s been almost 2 years and he wouldn’t have a problem choosing his friends over me? I’m not saying I should be ranked higher than his friends nor would I ever put him in that position, but I’d like to think that he’d at least have some internal struggle. I don’t know. I should just go to sleep. Happy anniversary Jake Jake. I wish it had been a little different but I’m glad you had fun. And happy birthday to my best friend.
Some nights it’s harder than others to fall asleep. I really hate what my mind does to me sometimes. But I mean honestly, would the world be any different without me? At least in a bad way? If I ever really did slice open my wrists again and take it just a little bit further, I really do think that it wouldn’t be an entirely bad thing. I mean clearly people would be affected initially, but over time I think they’d get over it. I don’t really have any friends. I have maybe 3 total. I’ve kind of given up on that. I’ve kind of given up about most things in my life actually. I’m just not really functional. I have hopes and I have dreams. Just because I’m sick doesn’t mean I don’t know that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I know I shouldn’t want to simply not exist. I know I should be excited for things that life has to offer. I know these things, but I simply can’t feel them. I make myself excited and I keep going by planning random events just so I have a milestone of something to hold on to. Something I can remind myself of when things get bad. What I hate most about this though is how it affects the people around me. It frustrates them, it makes them feel inadequate or like they’re less of a friend for not always being able to help. I don’t want to make anyone feel like that. I want to be able to make their lives better. And I simply don’t. So again, I have to wonder if the world would really be any worse off without me? I haven’t done anything earth shattering. I likely won’t do anything earth shattering. And I’m honestly not sure if I’m capable of truly getting better long term. If there were some way I could simply stop existing in a way that my three friends wouldn’t have to find me or hear about me or anything like that I’d definitely do it. That way they don’t have to experience that initial pain and they can just skip right to the stage where they’ve forgotten about me and their lives continue without any of the drama and issues that I cause. I’m not good for them and I’m not good for me. I don’t know any way to fix it. So I guess I’ll just lie in bed and think about how lovely it would be if the next morning came and I simply weren’t here.
Ok over the past few days I’ve heard a lot about DOMA and I’ve seen lots of different opinions from lots of different people. I want to start off by saying that I understand that there are always multiple opinions and none are necessarily more “correct” than others. It’s how people act on these opinions that I have a problem with, specifically when people try to force their opinions on others. I count myself as a religious person. I embrace Jesus and God and a higher power that is responsible for some mysteries of life and humanity that we are incapable of understanding completely. I see religion as something beautiful and peaceful that unites people across cultures. No matter what you choose to call God or how you choose to worship Him, I believe we’re all reaching out to the same higher power. Since I consider myself a Christian, I refer to Jesus and God, but I want to be clear that I think all religions reach out to the same entity, simply by a different name.
I was raised to understand that religion unites people in a deep and meaningful way, not simply because of religious beliefs, but because of the basic love and respect that we should have for all members of humanity whether they look like us, act like us, sound like us, or anything else. After attending years of Sunday school and attending religious school, I feel that I’ve read enough of the Bible to be able to offer an educated opinion on it. I’m not a scholar or anything, but I do have some idea of what I’m talking about. The Jewish society that Jesus came into was hierarchical and strongly favored the wealthy, conventional citizens. Members of society who were deemed “unworthy” were pushed to the side of society and ignored so that top religious officials could continue their reigns of power and control the people. Jesus revolutionized this. His followers were people that the rest of society would ignore. Just look at Mary Magdalene. She was a woman of disrepute and yet she was the one who found Jesus after the resurrection, arguably becoming one of the pivotal figures in Christianity. Then look at the miracles that Jesus performed. He didn’t fix things for people who were already highly ranked in society. He made lunch for fisherboys, healed lepers, and even resurrected commoners from the dead. And that wedding in which he turned water into wine? That wasn’t for the elite of society. It was a small village gathering for common people. In the end, it was the elite religious officials set in their ways who crucified him because he threatened their way of life. He encouraged people to embrace everyone from all walks of life and treat them with love and respect.
I have to believe that if Jesus were here today, he’d absolutely embrace and respect all members of humanity, including the gay people who are fighting so hard for their basic rights. I realize that the Bible does not explicitly state that he would, but it must be taken in context, as is everything. It’s not right to simply pick and choose what parts of the Bible to accept and which parts to reject. Did you know there are two creation stories in the Bible? They actually have conflicting accounts of how creation happened. In my Catholic high school, we were taught that it’s ok that they conflict because one was simply an oral tradition that was passed down and the other was a similar story from a different time/area. The basic principles remain the same, even if the story changes a little. If we don’ take these stories literally (which in my opinion is impossible since they directly conflict), then how can we interpret other “select” parts as literal? I know a lot of people quote Leviticus and say that there are many other rules that we conveniently ignore. This is true, but I don’t think that’s the most important argument. The most important argument is that the Bible is not a direct account from God Himself. It’s a text that has been interpreted by many many people, including people who originally wrote down the stories, people who passed them on orally, people who translated them, and countless others. In all of that interpretation, I believe that the basic principles remained the same, but the trappings changed. This doesn’t compromise the message, but it does mean that you can’t take everything verbatim. Even the Catholic Church has decided that it misinterpreted some parts and changed the mass accordingly. If they could have misinterpreted those parts, then why couldn’t they have misinterpreted other parts? Why couldn’t they have been wrong to take them literally? If you’re going to quote the Bible and throw it at people then be sure you actually follow the entire thing first. As Jesus said, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” and “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”. Jesus taught that all hatred is wrong, and you can’t simply ignore that and embrace other parts of the Bible to justify your hatred. Jesus embraced love, and I think he would absolutely support how people choose to express that love. Love is an essential part of the human experience, and it shouldn’t be qualified, limited, or criticized.
Furthermore, on a cultural note, society is always changing. Change is new and frightening, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. So many things have changed about society that are for the better. There was a time that I couldn’t have been best friends with my friend Kiah in elementary school because she was black and I was white. I would have missed out on some incredible experiences. May I just remind you that at one point the Bible was used to justify this discrimination as well? If change is scary, learn about it. Educate yourself. Really think about the people that you’re affecting before you take action. If you truly call yourself a Christian, remember that the most important part of the religion is treating everyone with love and respect, embracing everyone as your brother or sister and treating them accordingly. Forgiveness and love is what Christianity is about, not bigotism and hatred. I think it’s awful and sad that we have lost sight of this, and it’s driving the religion to extinction. It’s almost the mark of a pariah to be a Christian because of the extremist views that have tainted what it is supposed to really be. People need to know that Christianity is an institution meant to spread love and peace and forgiveness rather than the ignorance and hatred it’s been spewing out lately.
I guess my main point is, what would Jesus really think of us if he came back today? What would he see? Would he really be proud of what his new movement has become? As a proud Christian, I fully support gay marriage and I will do everything I can to push social change that continues Jesus’ work and message.
I sat down fully intending to write a long post about how things have been going for me, but as soon as I started typing and staring at this screen, I have to wonder what’s the point? No one’s going to read it, and I’m tired of talking about things. Maybe I should just think to myself again. Idk. I just know that something needs to change. Something is not right. I’m going back to sleep now.
I really don’t know what’s going on with me lately. Things have been so good for so long, I guess I’ve gotten used to it. Now it seems that everything is just falling from underneath me. As much as I try to put the past behind me, I just can’t. It hurts too much and I can’t escape the people who did this because they’re linked to other people in my life. I’m excited to move because it will remove me from them, but I’m also terrified because I don’t want to let go of the good things.
I’ve never had a relationship like I’ve had with Jake. I’ve had the gooey eyed teen crushes and brief “relationships” that end in like two months and you’re convinced the world is going to end. I had a really close friend who I thought could be something more but he hurt me way too much so I had to let him go. I wish I was still friends with him though, I really miss him but I feel like he hates me so I should just leave him alone and let him live his life. Then there was Brenden, the first guy who officially asked me out/to be his girlfriend. I was so thrilled to be in a relationship that I totally overlooked all of its flaws. I’m not sure it really counts as a relationship because I’m not honestly sure how I really felt about him. I think I was just flattered that he noticed me. But I really do have feelings for Jake. He’s always been there for me and even when things aren’t perfect I know he still loves me and that he will make things right. I got really lucky with him. And now that I’ve found him (after a long time of looking and waiting), I’m moving. It doesn’t seem fair. My mom is only moving because she hates her boss, which isn’t unreasonable except that she’s hated every boss and I really don’t think moving is going to make anything better. In a few months she’s going to hate the new boss and start looking for yet ANOTHER transfer. It’s just insanely frustrating. I can’t lose Jake. I seriously can’t, and I know how that sounds and I’m not some crazy obsessed girlfriend who can’t live her own life. It’s just that at this point in my life I feel like things are better with him in it, and I really feel like I’ve found someone I can spend a very long time with. I’ve heard that’s rare to find and I don’t want to just let go of it. I’m also only 19 though and I just don’t think I’m ready to “move in” or severely alter my life just to fit someone else in it. I mean I’m still figuring out my own stuff.
I also just don’t feel like anyone wants me around. I’m not trying to be dramatic (sorry I’m kind of hormonal today so everything is rather hyperbolic). I’ve lost so many friends and that has destroyed my trust in other people. There are at least two people who I know simply ignore me because they hate me. I really only have one friend left and I don’t think she really cares that much about me because I know I haven’t been the best friend in the past year or so. I have no idea how to fix this and maybe I don’t want to. Maybe I’m totally happy being by myself. But I’m really not evolved enough to think that. I like people and I like people liking me. But plenty of people don’t and it just hurts. It hurts especially to have constant reminders of them everywhere. I know this is unfair but I do feel that people make choices when it comes to friends. If someone is friends with two people who then get in a fight I really don’t think it’s possible or fair to remain uninvolved and to continue to mention the one to the other. I truly feel that two people wronged me completely. They were just in the wrong, and I’m really not someone who just says that. I do acknowledge my own failings. Maybe I could have handled the situations better but I did NOT catalyze them and my pride won’t let me apologize to fix things. Partially because they’re crappy friends if they’re going to treat me like that anyway. Anyways, it hurts me a lot more than people know when I hear about Sarah or Meg and when I hear about how they are all still friends. It just reminds me that there’s this world I was once a part of and now no longer am. And as unfair as this is, I really feel as though people have chosen them over me by not calling them on their shit about how they treated me. I understand not getting involved in other people’s business but this bordered on abusive and I don’t think it’s right not to at least express the opinion that what they did was wrong.
I hate to bring up my dad again, but the pain comes and goes in waves every few months and it’s starting to hit again. I have no pictures, no cards, no gifts, no memories, no reminders of the man. I know I wasn’t in his will, which is upsetting not because of the inheritance but because I know he deliberately did not include me or completely forgot about me. And that hurts. My mother absolutely hates me, and my dead dad didn’t want anything to do with me. That side of the family hates me because of how my mother has treated them, and my mother’s side of the family is basically all dead. Anways, getting back to the first part, I attended a funeral this week. It was extremely moving and very sad, and I feel terrible for drawing any comparison to my life but I can’t help but think that my father had a service like this and I wasn’t there. I didn’t get a final prayer, or a final song, or to see the casket carried to a tombstone. He simply disappeared for me. I don’t think I’ll ever get to see the grave (or at least any time in the near future) and it hurts. He is half of me and it’s a half that’s been missing my entire life. And now it’s gone forever. I know I’ll get over it eventually. I need to find some way to get closure and move on. I just don’t know what it is. I really wish I had a picture. I’d love a picture. I’d also love to find my sister. That probably isn’t the best idea though, seeing as we don’t know each other very well and I’m not sure how she feels about me.
This is just stuff that’s in my head tonight. I feel very out of place and pushed to the side. I don’t know where I belong or how I fit in. I really don’t. And it’s absolutely terrifying. I’m about 99.9999% certain no one actually read this but if you did, I appreciate it. I don’t express my thoughts well, but it helps me to at least write something.